Do you dream of a successful life with a partner and family and a job you love? A life filled with laughter and ease; emotional safety, love and belonging; respect and deep meaning. A simple dream but one that seems impossible to achieve?
I help people to find this life - a job I find so much pleasure in. I help them to connect with the real motivation behind what they're 'doing' on the outside and to 'connect' with themselves first, on the inside (as it were!). Only then can they truly connect to others. I help them see, clearly, what they're doing and how, perhaps, they could tweak it to achieve their goals.
Are you reaching your goals - in connection to yourself or to others? I can help you adjust how you see and interpret your desires and actions so that what you do better achieves your goals. The result is an increased sense of ease and well-being.
NVC is the most effective form of communication I've ever come across. It is very simple - although quite tricky 
to do. Eventually everything you do comes from a place of meeting your own needs... Then/and those of others. And, for me, using NVC in my own life often brings true joy. Slowly, in this way, I have re-learned to see myself and others in a new way. It turns out that my actions also change, albeit subtly.
Turns out that the giraffe is the animal that demonstrates this language best.
What exactly is NVC? And how and why the giraffe?!
Love is definitely an emotion. A feeling. Counselling is often about feelings. NVC is an amazing tool which helps us to enrich just about every love experience - with ourselves and with others. The symbol for love is the heart... And the giraffe?
The giraffe is the land animal with the largest heart - because it has to pump blood up its very long neck. As such it seemed natural to use the giraffe as the symbol of NVC. (I took this giraffe photo in Nanyuki Safari Park in Kenya at the end of 2010 with my son, his wife and tiny baby...)
However, there is another part of this giraffe story - that I like even more. I see it as the very essence of an NVC life.
The giraffe is a peaceful animal. It minds its own business and doesn't interfere in other animals' space. I have seen giraffes in the wild - magnificent and intelligent and inquisitive.
Giraffes are graceful and long-legged - and just huge! They are private and choose to run away rather than engage in trouble. But beware! If another animal, even a lion, insists on fighting with a giraffe, the giraffe turns around swiftly and kicks the living daylights out of its opponent with its powerful back legs. This is a perfect example of the use of protective force. Similarly, NVC is not a weak or lilly-livered language; rather peacefully strong.
My favourite part of NVC?
My favourite part of NVC is the connection with yourself! It may seem a strange thing to say but somehow, many of us learn how not to listen to ourselves and not to trust our instincts and how to deny and ignore most of our own needs? "Of course you're not hungry, dear..." We learn to diagnose and judge and blame and shame, ourselves and others. At times, even to acknowledge that we have any needs seems wrong?
I love that with NVC we learn how to get back to a language that brings joy to ourselves and those we interact with. We learn how not to belittle and hurt and disconnect. This 'language of life' can be difficult to learn and I have my own no-nonsense process with cue cards so that even the least touchy-feely of us can unearth needs we'd long ago forgotten. We learn to connect our reactions to our feelings and our needs. We learn to make completely non-judgmental, fly-on-the-wall observations and end up with strategies and requests to address every need we might have. Phew!
For me it was a relief to be able to do all that without once having to look over my shoulder.
Once we've reconnected with our 'self', we can learn to connect in the same 'clean' and honest way with others...
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a life-changing way of interacting.
It is a process conceived by author and international peacemaker Dr. Marshall Rosenberg designed to help human beings increase their capacity to relate compassionately even under trying circumstances. By consciously choosing our responses based on meeting needs instead of on expressing habitual responses that alienate others, it is possible to resolve differences peacefully. NVC avoids making people defend themselves from value-laden judgments, it employs clear requests in place of demands, and it allows everyone to get their needs met on their own terms, without coercion, fear of retribution, or loss of self-esteem. This little Youtube skit shows it well - click here.
Hear Marshall Rosenberg, creator of NVC, speak in person on Youtube and begin to explain and unravel NVC.
Here are some of your questions, hopefully addressed...
What are the typical situations in which I can use NVC?
NVC can be used in any relationship (including with yourself) and in any setting – be it personal or business – where conflict arises. At home you may have a difficult teen or you think your spouse is not being open enough. At the office employees seem disgruntled, unproductive or uncooperative. Each of these situations is likely by a lack of communication or miscommunication. Quite often one or more of the people in a personal or professional relationship may not even realize the problem, which is where NVC can help.
How would NVC benefit me?
As I've said, NVC is invaluable in re-connecting with yourself. It helps you to see and understand your own needs so that you can know what to seek to enrich your own life. After all, how can you ask for what you want and need when you don't know what that looks like yourself? And how wonderful to start being compassionate to yourself?
NVC also helps you go about getting your true needs met - an integral part of saving valuable relationships. We live in a world of miscommunication, often misinterpreting what each other are saying. We often become defensive when we experience differences with others. We use words like right/wrong, good/bad, normal/abnormal based in moralistic judgment which consistently increases resistance and tension. NVC instead promotes the use of value judgments which asks us to dig deeper. This means clearly observing the behaviour and letting others know what needs of ours are affected as a result. By using this form of language we become less antagonistic towards each other, increasingly compassionate and very creative and effective in generating solutions.
I still feel skeptical about NVC. What's with that?
You're heading into the unknown. Because NVC is about expressing our honesty and listening empathically, we may feel vulnerable at times. Even most of the time! Yes it's natural to feel hesitant about anything you haven’t heard of before – you are taking a risk. Another common reason for skepticism might be that you'd don't trust that it's possible to get results. Skepticism is natural and healthy. Just don't let it keep you stuck and prevent you from openly exploring productive alternatives. The effectiveness of NVC is undeniable. Take a leap and become living proof of its effectiveness.
Once I've started using NVC, how will my life be different?
You'll likely feel an immense hope and optimism as you recognize your own power to deepen your connection with yourself and others. NVC may help to clarify situations and identify your feelings and needs, make clear requests to meet those needs, and support others to do the same. Once you've learned how to communicate your feelings and needs to others in a way that doesn't blame or criticize, and also takes their needs into account, you're well on the road to re-connecting with others and discovering solutions.
How long does it take to become adept with NVC?
Learning NVC is like learning any new language - it takes some time. There is an initial exciting as well as awkward phase as you explore and learn to identify your own feelings and needs. But like any other skill or competency, the most important piece is commitment and persistence. The greater the commitment, the greater the payoff will be. It can be said though that many people, simply by embracing the notion of communicating in this new way, experience significant successes even after a 1 or 2 day workshop.
How can I use NVC to help others in my life?
The first step is to help ourselves by getting in touch with ourselves. We need to explore our self-talk, thought processes and actions. And we need to become acquainted with our needs and associated feelings. When we get clarity on our own feelings and needs, the universality of these becomes apparent. With practice, it becomes much easier to identify the feelings and needs in others which is of course of great benefit to everyone. The beauty is that it only takes one person to set the stage for a significant breakthrough in a relationship - which can't help but rub off on other people.
NVC - aka Non Violent Communication, Compassionate Communication or 'A Language of Life' - is the most sensible and effective form of communication I've ever come across. It is both very simple - and logical - although quite tricky to do.
I use very simple cue-cards (originally dancefloors by Bridget Belgrave and Gina Lawrie in the UK) to help make using this new language fun and easy to learn in my Victoria Marriage and Relationship Counselling office. I also use a set of Needs cards and Feelings cards to help visualize and name the feelings and needs that arise.
As I said before, NVC is the most sensible and effective form of communication - with yourself and with others - that I have ever come across. It has the power to transform your life - and yet leave it your life... It will enrich your every day and every experience.
Try it!
MOO Business Cards, MiniCards and Postcards Create unique cards using MOO - the cards that I use to make the needs, feelings and ConnectionCue cards