Sample Email Counselling...
Hi Julie, Can you help?
I am struggling with low self esteem issues which also lead to anxiety problems. I believe that most of my low self worth issues comes from my childhood, specifically my older sister. I need help in finding ways to be happy with myself and knowing I'm worth it.
Jane
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Hi Jane
Thank you for your email - certainly our childhood and those we love seem to have the greatest effect on us - for good and for bad.
I use my ordinary email, double deleting sensitive issues and keeping all mail strictly confidential. Paypal notifies me immediately when they receive money.
I look forward to hearing from you Jane,
Julie
My payment came to you through my alternate email, but I prefer to use this one.
Ok, so here is some background on me. I am a 27 yr old female. I went to college, changed my mind multiple times and ended up walking away with a sociology degree after 7 years. I work for a non profit with kids. I just recently moved out of my moms house and in with my boyfriend of 2 years. I am very active in sports and the gym. I do not like my job and I am attempting to go back to school for something new, but I change my mind weekly. Right now, I think I am going to go back to be a teacher.
I come from a family that never really expressed emotion or talked about things. I have one sister, older by 3 years, and my parents were married up until the time I was 16 or 17. I think my dad had depression issues; when my parents would fight I can remember my mom hiding the guns in the house b/c he was threatening to use them on himself.
My mother was always the strong one, just like my sister is. Being the youngest, I was bossed around by my sister and constantly made fun of, I can remember times being made fun of for the way I walked, the socks I wore, my breath, not brushing my teeth, not being able to spell well, etc. I think they are somewhat normal comments from an older sibling but I think they deeply effected me.
We used humor to communicate in my house so my dad would also sometimes make fun of me, I think in his own way this is how he communicated without sounding mean. Our family moved 2 hours away when I was transitioning from middle school to high school. So I started a new school my freshman yr of high school w/o my sister, she stayed behind to finish up high school. I played sports and made some friends, but I always felt that I had missed out on the "real" social life I would've had.
Presently I notice some things effecting my daily life. I know that I've never had good self esteem but I think this is showing more to me now than ever before. I have major jealousy issues with my boyfriend, and it isn't necessarily what he does. It is more just the thoughts of other girls; being skinner than I, or prettier...it always crosses my mind that he should want someone like that and not like I am. He has repeatedly told me that I am what he wants and that he is happy with me and I'm beautiful, etc. But that just doesn't make sense to me. I cry at a moments notice for just about any reason. My boyfriend asked if I wanted to go hiking with him and some friends and I cried. The thought of being the last one, or not being able to keep up with the others makes me cry out of fear and shame.
All of this also disrupts my job. If I think I might have to drive a van full of kids, I cry. I don't feel confident enough to have that responsibilty. I cry when I have to go rafting with the kids because I am scared of rafting. I feel like I am scared of everthing and it is exhausting.
I feel that I present a good face to the rest of the world though. I play sports, I am very outgoing and happy. That is how people know me, I am the smiling, happy one. I have a few friends, not a lot though. My sister today is probably my best friend, we get a long very well now and we always joke that she messed me up when we were little. I don't think she understands how badly though.
I just want some guidance as to how I can be ok with myself and build some self confidence up so that I can enjoy life and not stress and worry all of the time.
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Hi Jane
Thank you for your payment which I received and linked to this account - no problem.
I have read your email and already I have several ideas for you, short term and longer term. I would like to let it sit with me for a while (a day or two) before answering in full - I hope that's good with you?
It's amazing how much families - those who love us most - can hurt us. Especially when we are sensitive, which I can see in you. Important to remember is that no feeling is 'bad' - even anxiety - it's just alerting us to a need of ours that we need to pay attention to.
Being sensitive could be your greatest asset here. At the moment - ie over the next few days and weeks I would like you to really notice the effect everything has on you. Even if the face you put on for the world is a smiling one. Acknowledge the sensitivity and fear and tenderness inside of you. Think of that sensitive little soul almost as a separate person - a younger person perhaps. Mentally 'hold her hand' and just acknowledge how she feels. Be curious. Don't try and make it better. Or logic it away. Just notice it. And squeeze her hand. That would apply to driving a busload of kids (enough to make anyone cry!) or your jealousies. Everything.
I will write again, perhaps by the end of the day.
I'm curious as to whereabouts you are?
Have a nice day Jane,
Julie
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Yes
I am very sensitive and I am very aware of it, as are most people close to me. But I don't want the fact that I am scared of everything to stop me from having fun in life and experiencing new things. I feel like I need to find a way to over come them and not just by rationalizing situations (I've done this many times). I guess it all will pretty much stem from the lack of confidence and self esteem. If I don't believe in myself enough to think I can accomplish a task or opportunity, how am I going experience life? I've tried positive self talk many times, and I think it does work to an extent. See, I have these "moods" I guess where I want very badly to change myself and my thoughts so I will go out and buy books, do research, and for the first time, I've emailed a professional. The problem is, is that these "moods" only last for so long and only motivate me so far. Once I feel a little better, I seem to ignore it or move past it for a month or two...but I always retreat back. I want to be able to hold on to the "I am good enough" thoughts.
I live in western Arizona, by the way. Thanks so much for your help!
Jane
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Hi Jane
How is it going with just noticing which things affect you and how? I wonder if you could keep a simple journal for each day? I think that would be really helpful - and remember, don't try and 'fix' how you feel or try to talk yourself out of it. Just note it. And 'be there' for yourself. Tell yourself it's absolutely OK to have these feelings... Any feelings.
Emotions and feelings are always good... They are like the construction site flags which have been stuck in the ground to show us that there's something buried underneath them. We want to dig and find out what's buried for us underneath? What need or value of yours will you find here?
All needs - true needs - are OK too. Try not to judge yourself if you feel 'neediness'. Your body is just trying to tell you something. And remember, you don't have to share these feelings or needs yet - in fact, this step is 'internal' and I don't want you to share it with anyone but me yet... This step is about you noticing what's happening inside of you. It's about teasing apart your plain 1. observations and thoughts; your 2. feelings; and your 3. needs.
Having needs is normal. Every single person in the whole world - whether from Alaska or India or Australia or Africa or USA - has the same needs. Strange but true... We all have a unique 'fingerprint' of needs - no two people need exactly the same amount of everything. But we do all have the same needs - whether we seem needy or not!
Knowing our own needs - who we are and what makes us tick - is the key to taking our growth to the next level and to repairing the hurt from the past.
When we know what we need we can find a way that's acceptable to us and to society to fill those needs. When our needs are met, we feel good. All of us. Our feelings and emotions will alert us to when our needs are being met and to when they're not. They're just indicators. When we feel bad - anxious and low self esteem for example - we can bet there are some important needs that we have that are not being met.
Really connect with yourself. Work out exactly what you like. What makes you feel calm? Content? Happy? Reassured? Pretty? Confident? What triggers you to feel uncomfortable?
Don't try and 'fake it' or tell yourself that you 'should' need or do various things. Merely notice 'what is' for you. Notice it and journal it and tell me!
NVC or Non Violent Communication - aka Compassionate Communication or A Language of Life - by Marshall Rosenberg is the most wonderful, simple (and at the same time complex) book that I have ever found on this subject. I love what he has to say - it makes such good, sound sense and I have seen miracles happen with real, everyday people who have used this book. Here are some links to his book, workbook and CD:
http://bit.ly/RBYnvc
http://bit.ly/RBYnvcwkbk
http://bit.ly/RBYnvcCD
I look forward to hearing from you Jane and finding out how this 'noticing thing' is going? It may not be the complete answer - it's just the first step of several steps that will make you feel better... Permanently.
Have a lovely day,
Julie
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