Dear Julie
I have learned that my father's surgery has been scheduled for 31 May and I won't be able to be there. I'm devastated - and I cannot talk to him directly. My blood pressure is right up and I can hardly breathe. I'm now home from the hospital (where they took me to check for a heart attack) and I have taken another day off work. I feel really bad and all the acid in my stomach is churning. I have been trying to phone my family for weeks - my estranged brother and cousin who are there haven't returned my calls. I'm looking forward to seeing you this week.
Jane
Hi Jane
I'm sorry to hear your news. I appreciate that you shared this with me - even though you believe that nothing you do - or I could say - could help or make a difference. I'm very sorry Jane. Panic attacks can seem like heart attacks and important to
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get checked out at the hospital - it's just as well to rule out physical problems.
I wonder...
What's happening today is sad - no two ways about that. It's sad for any daughter to have a father going in to surgery - made even more poignant by distance, your family's refusal to include you and highlighted by your new (very different) life. But that's different to panic?
Allow those sad feelings for a moment. Embrace them. Don't be scared of them growing out of proportion. Just embrace them. Feelings are like two-year-olds! And you know what happens if you try and brush off a two-year-old who wants a hug?
If you try to push away those sad feelings they will escalate and grow out of all proportion. A bit like tensing up when the nurse is about to stick you with a needle!
Is 'all this' - all the chaos - still happening to you? And overwhelming you? Like when you were little and were totally helpless to change your world? Or does it just feel that way? Important to remember that you are no longer that child?
Pull the chaos apart. On its own, each piece will be a bit more tolerable.
There even some things you can do - strategies to help improve the situation, both for your dad and for you. While you're in this state though you can't think clearly. You're paralyzed. Could your old 'programmed' childhood patterns be causing these present reactions? Although in the real world your 'new', steady life is still running - almost parallel to this chaos?
I wonder if this is part of what could be going on here? I know it all feels very real and overwhelming but see if you can tease apart all these feelings I think you'll see that each part of this - each feeling - is separate. And that you are not helpless. You can handle them now.
Sometimes we learn as children that sadness and 'unsafety' (a sort of panicky helpless feeling) are tied together? That one feeling 'can't be' without the other?
Together all those feelings are overwhelming. The brain stem or ancient brain senses the unsafety and surges up to try and protect us and fills us with fight-or-flight adrenalin. Our feeling then is a chaotic mess of sadness, panic, unsafety and
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helplessness. Instead of just sadness. And your blood pressure goes through the roof.
Over the years we learn to react to situations in certain ways. We learn to react in certain ways towards ourselves and others. Change these ways of reacting and instead, choose actions that acknowledge and accept what's happening in a way that doesn't trigger unhelpful chaos for you. Marshall Rosenberg's NVC is the best communication tool - including communication with yourself.
This situation is sad. Feel the sadness. Have compassion for you - for yourself - in this impossible situation. And your poor dad. Your partner. The horrible circumstances.
Let any chaotic feeling you have settle. Know these feelings are likely to 'surge' at a moments notice. Not because the present situation is really unsafe and panicky or because you really are helpless. But just because that's your learned response. It's just 'what happens'. A reaction - or surge of feelings from the past - and not reality.
Let the chaotic reaction pass over you. Breathe steadily and deeply. In just a few minutes it will pass and you will just feel the sadness.
Every now and then, you may have another 'surge'. Perhaps get your partner or a close friend to 'spot' you? Like a weight lifter has someone to help take the weights if they should get too heavy. Waves of sadness are normal and OK. Panic attacks happen when the wave of sadness is mixed up with a surge of overwhelming feelings of helplessness and hopelessness from the past.
Ask yourself... Is the situation the same now? What was the situation then? (ie as a child, being left out, needing love and security and feeling totally helpless to change anything etc?) What's the situation now? Look around you. (ie you're in a calm and stable situation etc) Tell yourself and your friend the story - both in your head and out loud. Ask them if they would repeat it back to you so that you can hear it too. The brain needs to think, say and hear this story over and over so that it can relearn how to react. Reprogram...
This news is sad, very sad. But sad, not chaotic. This is one of life's very sad moments. However, you're an adult now and quietly you can work out a strategy to deal as best as possible with events. Which are still sad. But which are not panicky? You still have your feet on the ground and your home and your dreams and your future.
Turn off the TV - particularly if there is a dramatic or panicky sit-com on because that will likely sync with the chaos inside you and make it worse.
Put on some soothing music - music that calms you. Breathe steadily.
Look at the needs cards. Every single last feeling you have is pointing to a need. Work out a need for every feeling. List them. One by one, think of a strategy to fill or address them. Acknowledge strategies that are already addressing them.
Acknowledge your needs and address your needs and you will feel calmer.
There is nothing to be done about some of it. It just 'is'. Very sad. When you quiet your mind and accept the sadness - feel it. You may feel more 'spacious'? Things tend to slow down then. And in that spaciousness, you may be more able to see any possible strategies or solutions?
Remember, the whole of you is not caught up in this chaotic mess? You are not being swept away by a strong undercurrent in the water. You are not drowning and being pulled down by a monster swimming below you. That's how it felt when you were little. Helpless. Life threatening to you. Your whole life was tied up in the chaotic story.
That's what your body is remembering when you panic.
Now you have another life. Real and strong and steady. And that life is still fine? This sadness is just a part of your experience. Of your life. Just a sad, very sad, part...
xx
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