Hurt Or Hate? Sometimes it's very hard to hear the difference...
A Place to Think
A new client - a husband - spent a first session with me. I could see that, even though he was scared to hope any more, he wanted his marriage. He still loved his wife. I suggested that he and his wife come to see me together?
He thought it over and this is the email he sent his wife:
this is what julie pratices in some form
you need to read this this is us and it does incompass all that we are doing to each other even if it is done between us i would ask a personal favour and pls look at this and consider what is being put forth and come with me on wednesday eve at 815
sorry little
sb
I read it. And smiled and shook my head. How can we humans be so unkind to each other? I could see how hurt he was. I could also see it here - the small, almost frail letters? I knew how much he wanted his wife to come with him to see me. I could also see how his wife could see this email as cold and impersonal - further 'proof' that he did not really want their marriage...
NVC - Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg
I decided to try a write an NVC/Imago version of what he had written. NVC is 'non-violent communication - or compassionate communication. It's also called 'The language of life'. Imago is an amazingly successful form of relationship work. This is my email to Steve:
""Thanks Steve
You may have already sent this email... But on the offchance that you haven't, perhaps I could suggest a few different words?
May I tell you what I thought when I saw what you'd written?
((I'm assuming that you'd be willing to hear me... And assumptions are always to be avoided, so, if you are not willing to hear me at this point, I apologize. And please, just don't read on...))
I wonder if this email looks a little like your one-to-one communication with Susan? From what you said about Susan's comments, I thought it might?
Imago by Wade Luquet
As a 'jackal' - an NVC fun animal - or someone who has survived a lifetime in our sometimes harsh society and not yet read Marshall Rosenberg's NVC, this is what I might see...
• This email was very brief (he can't be bothered to spend time on me and dashed it off in a hurry - he must have a busy life without me)
• stilted syntax (I'm not worth whole sentences or punctuation. Or maybe I don't 'get' his intelligent words?)
• formal words (he feels stiff and formal towards me and can hardly bring himself to talk to me - "how dare he' or 'I'm so worthless')
• no salutation (he doesn't respect me at all - but why would he? why would anyone)
• says what Susan needs to do (no-one likes to be told what to do and how does he know what's best for me? He might though? But I don't want to be his stupid 'inferior' - I want to be his partner?)
• And this message could use a bit more 'heart'?
I know I am being very critical Steve, and that may feel attacking and mean? I'm sorry. That's not my intent. I just want to make a point.
If I read it with Susan's eyes (perhaps?) I might have read those things? I'm just guessing how it could seem?
DicorceRings
The 'tone' of the message said:
• I can barely be bothered to speak to you...
• And I don't really care...
• But... As a personal favour to me (and because it's the very least you could do)...
• Read this ... If you care about us? ...
• The tone was a bit confrontational and condescending?
I'm being hard on you, Steve, I know... I'm being super-critical to try and illustrate a point - making a kind of verbal caricature...
As 'me' - as Julie, your therapist and advocate, for you and for both you and Susan...
NVC - A Language of Life - CD
And as a 'giraffe' (another NVC fun animal!) - this is what I read in - and read into - your message:
• I feel a bit stunned... Breathless.
• I almost don't dare to hope... Dashed hopes hurt so much...
• I wanted to find out more of what Julie was saying and read this... Oh God...
• Susan, I want you to share this new knowledge with me? It is so much what seems to be happening to us?
• I feel unworthy to ask any more of you, so...
• If only for all the things we've been through together, please come with me on Wednesday..."'
So Steve... How about the following email?
Maybe add/change these words a little to reflect 'you' if you want? These are my thoughts... Based on what I read - as a giraffe, I hope? And what I know and believe about you, your situation and NVC and Imago.
""Hi Susan
I almost don't dare to hope... I still love you, very much.
I spent over an hour with Julie and learned some interesting things that explain not only exactly what we seem to be doing to each other (I'm amazed)? But also a way of changing our behavior and enjoying a good life together. A real way forward and with personal growth.
I found this information on the internet:
I would love to share learning more about it with you? The idea of such a such a relationship with you excites me - because I really want and value 'us'. I always have...
Please come with me on Wednesday evening at 8.15pm?
Hopefully,
Steve""
NVC - A Language of Life
My goal - my 'mission' is to save one marriage at a time... To save it from misunderstanding due to reactions from the past. Rather than actions born out of love. A Language of Life.
Good luck!
Julie
Julie Taylor RPC
Victoria Counsellor
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