Reactions

I wanted my first blogpost to be something really positive...  Then this comment landed in my inbox and I found myself being tempted to address it - despite my desire to 'keep my blog positive'.  I decided 'what the heck' and to go with it!

This is a good example of that rush of 'compelling' feelings that comes up and prompts your 'reaction' or even 'over-reaction'.  In a perfect world, choose - whether to take a deep breath and wait for these feelings to subside or go with them.

Where does this reaction here come from? Ever since I was a kid there's been a part of me that has felt compelled to stick up for the underdog - and sometimes in quite an aggressive and 'over-reactive' way. Nowadays, mostly, I take a deep breath, smile at my jackals and act quietly. Maybe deep down I see myself as the underdog?  Anyway, here is my first 'personal' blog - which I've left slightly more reactive than just quietly active. Sometimes it's fun to vent a little!

This comment was from a man looking for 'his soul mate' and I read his profile...

Here it is!

The ad read: The first thing people notice about Greg is: "My gregarious personality . Funny how my name works well with that term...but the defintion does fit."

Some additional information Greg wanted you to know is: "You would of had to have had a good relationship with your parents (at least your father) It's very tragic how many lovely women have had abusive childhoods but I'm sorry... I'm done trying to understand it."

Julie says...

At this point a surge of anger for all the women who've had jerks for fathers and husbands rose up like bile in my throat. (And yes, that surge was pure jackal. Defensive. Very judgmental. To balance things somewhat, I've printed the post-deep-breath thoughts I had further below)

I think that this kind of belief is fairly common and very sad: that a good relationship with a parent/father is necessary in order to avoid some sort of psychological damage in adulthood. But whether you've worked on yourself and overcome your issues, great or small, that's the key.

The truth is that you can choose a great future, whatever your past. And both men and women - even those with ostensibly wonderful childhoods - often have issues to deal with in later life. Most of us do.

Luckily your mental health and success in life is not dependent on anyone or anything other than yourself - particularly not someone as un-understanding as Greg. Debrief your past, get to know yourself and your own particular needs-blueprint and a new, positive, clear future is yours for the taking.

After I had taken a deep breath - and in fact, the paragraph directly above was already coming from that post-deep-breath place - I could understand Gregory better and started to 'hear' what he said. This man has probably had a traumatic experience himself and knows that one of his needs is for a peaceful and easy life. That's very fair and good self knowledge. My objection was to his comment about women - blaming them for his need. When in fact there's no need to justify a precious need? I believe we are each responsible - and can be proud - of our own needs.

It can be scary to trust that life really can be rich and wonderful, whatever the past held for you or for your partner.  And it really can be, providing you do the work necessary to put your past firmly in its place: in the past.

Everyone has some baggage, even those people who seem to have had 'perfectly fine' pasts. Depending on how much work they've done, someone with very little baggage could be 'hard work' and someone with a difficult past could be fun and light to be with.

I believe that trusting in yourself - to deal with whatever comes your way in life - is one of the most important first steps. The second step is to get to know yourself.

Someone like the gregarious (really?!) Gregory may find find life richer and more wonderful - and he might even fall in love and have someone love him back - if he can stretch beyond his initial reactions. Perhaps the reaction to pre-judge people? Or the inability to take responsibility for his own needs?  So, Gregarious Gregory, I think a little work on yourself might be in order?!

Another observation? An attempt to be everyone's friend might show uncomfortableness with a life which seems precarious and even scary. People who don't honor their own needs and who try to be everyone's friend sometime make sarcastic and harsh comments like this one in an effort to balance their own fears.

Yet another point?  (Now I'm on a roll!)

Sometimes I see beautiful young men who've had just as abusive a childhood as their female counterparts. Abuse and its fallout is very much an 'equal opportunity' phenomenon. Luckily, for most people, a great adulthood can be had if you choose to address your 'baggage' and file away the past. Whatever that baggage is and whoever you are.

I invite you to make the decision to embrace life and live today, in the present. If necessary, get some help from a counsellor to debrief, understand yourself and put the past firmly in its place.

Life is precious, let's live it!